Staking His Claim
by ohxasphyxiationx
Summary: Everyone always has their sights set on Cloud. Zack's tired of it.


**Summary:**__Tired of everyone eying his love, Zack must stake his claim.

**Warnings: **Implications of sexual content.

**Author's Note: **This was just too perfect to _not_ do. I had wayyy too much fun with this. I mean, I'm giggling like mad, and this should not be as funny as it is to me. But I hope you enjoy! Reviews if this makes you laugh!

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Cloud's eyes darted around in nervousness as he surveyed his surroundings. He wasn't quite sure why he had agreed to come here in the first place. For the most part, everywhere he turned were familiar faces; the new recruits from the SOLDIER academy he was struggling through, some 2nd's and 3rd's, and the General. They were all smiling happily. Even the General was sporting a wry grin. But one look at Zack was all it took to make Cloud feel uncomfortable.

Something awful was about to happen. Cloud just knew it.

Zack's awkward drunken grin was much more than innocent- it looked downright devious. From his spot on the stage, his eyes scanned the room with little focus until they landed on Cloud. Those blue eyes were _gleaming_ with mischief, and Cloud knew from experience that when Zack was up to something, even if he had the best of intentions, something _always_ went horribly, horribly wrong.

Zack made his way to the center of the stage, walking in a crooked fashion. He brought himself to the microphone stand at the front of the stage and looked at the crowd, grinning. Cloud watched intently, as though something were about to combust. Zack chuckled, and the sound resonated throughout the bar. The drunken laughter was silenced for a moment, and Zack cleared his throat as he prepared to address the crowd.

"So I brought you all here," Zack began with a noticeable slur in his speech, "Cause I've got a bone to pick witcha. Okay."

Cloud groaned as his new boyfriend, of only a few weeks, proceeded to make a fool of himself.

"You see here?" Zack flung his arm out and pointed at Cloud. "That cute little thing there? That's my boyfriend, y'know? And I see alllll of you, I see you when you try to hit on my boyfriend. I don't like that. No siree."

Zack shook his head wildly in emphasis as Cloud blushed and wished he had Vanish materia.

"So I have to put an end to it. 'Cause that's messed up you know! So, I'm gonna sing you a little song," Zack pulled the microphone from its place on the stand and held it in his hand as he began to move towards the middle of the stage as best as he could. "I changed the words a little bit, so it makes sense. Okay, ready? Here goes!"

The karaoke music began to come out of the speakers. Cloud froze as the all-too-familiar opening notes began to play. Soon after, he groaned and introduced his face to the table he was sitting at.

"_I live in an apartment on the ninety-ninth floor of Shinra," _Zack began, his voice completely off pitch and slightly warbled. "_And I sit at home looking out the window, imagining the world has stopped."_

Everyone else in the audience seemed captivated and surprised by Zack's impromptu performance. Cloud was turning every shade of red imaginable, and had perhaps created a few new shades in the process. Zack was still singing.

"_Then in flies a guy who's all dressed up in black," _Zack pointed accusingly at the General, who promptly spat out his drink in shock. "_And says I've won five gil if I give Cloud back."_

Cloud knew that he should just stand up and walk away before he died of embarrassment. But something wouldn't let him, not until he heard Zack sing the chorus.

"_And I said hey! You! Get off of my Cloud! Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud! Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!"_ Zack began to do something that everyone else in the bar assumed was supposed to be a dance, which mainly consisted of jumping up and down, spinning in a circle, and pointing at everyone in the room. "_Don't hang around, 'cause three's a crowd on my Cloud."_

Cloud groaned again at Zack's utter lameness. Everyone else seemed to be enjoying the show, although some of the other patrons seemed slightly red.

"_The telephone is ringing, I say, hi it's me. Who is it there on the line? A voice says hi, hello, how are you? Well I guess I'm doing fine," _Zack waved his arm wildly at everyone in the bar_. "He says its three A.M, won't you send Cloud over? Just cause you feel so damn horny, do you have to drive me out of my head?"_

Cloud's jaw dropped to the floor and he turned to see almost everyone in the bar varying shades of red or pink. Was this actually true? What did they think he was, ShinRa's funboy? Here he was, sixteen years old and still a virgin, and people were actually calling for him?

Cloud wanted to die. He stood up from his seat, sending the chair flying backwards.

"_I said hey! You! Get off of my Cloud! Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud! Hey! You! Get off of my Clou-" Zack_ had hardly noticed the flying chair or the angry footsteps that were moving across the stage. But he did notice Cloud's lips pressed firmly against his, effectively shutting him up.

In moments, Cloud was dragging him out of the bar by the hand, as the bar sat in stunned silence, to the motel down the street.

It was there that Zack happily staked his claim of the little blonde cadet.


End file.
